Reconciling Guilt
by Mickey3
Summary: When Jack gets hurt on a mission, can he convince Daniel that he doesn’t blame him?


**Reconciling Guilt  
Mickey**

STATUS: Completed 8-7-05

SEASON: 2

SPOILERS: Need, Message in a Bottle

WORD COUNT: 3,273

AUTHORS NOTE: Although I've been writing X-Men fiction for about five years, this is my first attempt at Stargate fanfiction. A big thank-you to Lynette, Cokie, and Randi S for taking up the challenge and beta reading for me. They did a great job.

/words is someone's thoughts./

* * *

"Colonel," Doctor Janet Frasier exclaimed when she saw O'Neill sitting up in his bed, his feet on the floor. "What do you think you're doing?"

He flinched. For a small woman the resident CMO could be very intimidating. And loud. Especially when dealing with a particular mulish Air Force colonel who spent way too much time in her infirmary. Jack grumbled. "Getting up, Doc. I've been lying in this damn bed too long already."

"I don't think so, Sir. I told you Wednesday morning, if you behaved, and I meant Wednesday morning, not Tuesday evening. And you, sir, are most certainly not behaving." She tried to push him down gently as he started to stand, but the obstinate colonel wasn't having it. "You still need to rest, Colonel."

"I have to talk to Daniel, Doc. I don't know what's eating him, but it's been going on long enough." Jack, eternally grateful to the Doc for last years Christmas gift of a pair of loafers, slid them on and stood. They had been a joking gift after he complained how it was difficult, and sometimes almost impossible, to tie shoelaces with an arm out of commission or an injury to his chest that wouldn't allow him to bend over for more than a few seconds.

"I'll bring him here."

"He won't come and you know it. Carter and Teal'c have been trying for two days."

"Talk to him tomorrow, Colonel." Janet could be just as stubborn as her patient. "Is..." She looked at her watch, "sixteen hours going to make that much of a difference?"

"I really need to get this straightened out." Jack winced as Janet readjusted his sling.

"Look, Doc, I'm not going anywhere. I'll take it easy, but I have to do this. He's been acting strange for about the last three weeks or so. He's been quiet and avoids me whenever possible. This needs to be settled now."

* * *

Janet sighed and stared at the colonel for a moment. She knew it was foolish to argue with O'Neill when he was like this. When it involved a member of his team, it was near impossible. Besides, she too had noticed Daniel's behavior and thought it odd he'd only visited his friend once since the colonel had been wounded. Even then, he'd only stayed for a few minutes. He'd whispered something, then got up and left. She knew from Sam and Teal'c that Daniel asked about the colonel several times a day, but he hadn't returned to the infirmary since that day. It worried her. Team chemistry was essential to any SG team, but especially so for SG-1.

She finally relented.

"Fine, but you stay on base and take it easy. Use the elevators, not the stairs, and you sleep in your quarters for the next few days. I don't want you driving until I'm satisfied those ribs have healed."

"Thanks, Doc." Jack gave her his most endearing smile before walking out of the infirmary.

"Colonel, wait!" Janet called out. "Where did you get those clothes?"

* * *

Jack turned as he heard the doctor's question, flashing her one of his patented Jack O'Neill that's-for-me-to-know-and-you-try-and-figure-out smiles as he walked out the door.

/Better swing by my quarters first and pick up my sweater./ He remembered hearing one of the nurses saying there was a problem with the base heating system. Jack walked swiftly and it only took him a few minutes to reach his room. Once there he pulled a light green button down sweater from the small closet in the corner. It had been a birthday gift from Daniel. He draped it over his injured arm then carefully slid his left arm into the sleeve. That done, he turned to leave but stopped when he spotted a file on his desk.

Jack picked up the folder thinking it was a copy of Teal'c or Carter's mission report. Shock and anger flowed through him as he read it.

/Oh yeah, Danny boy, we definitely need to talk./

* * *

"What the Hell is this?"

Daniel looked at the file that was slammed onto his desk. He didn't look up at the man who flung it down, not yet. He couldn't.

"Shouldn't you still be in the infirmary? Sam said Janet wasn't releasing you until tomorrow morning at least."

"I'm fine, Daniel. Don't change the subject."

Daniel could hear the pain in his friend's voice- pain he knew was caused by his physical injuries. He couldn't hear the emotional pain, but he knew it was there and that he was the cause of both. He also knew it wasn't just the file that had caused the hurt feelings. It was also the fact that he only visited Jack once in the past three and-a-half days. And that one visit didn't really count because the older man was still unconscious at the time.

He tried to keep his voice as matter-of-fact as possible. "It's a request for a transfer to a research team."

* * *

Jack grimaced as a sudden pain shot through his battered ribs.

"I can see that." He could feel his face flush as his anger grew. After spending three days in the infirmary recovering from injuries sustained on their last mission on PH1- yadda, yadda, yadda, that file was the last thing he needed to see. "Why? I know we have our differences, but I thought SG-1 was a pretty damn good team. I thought we were working well together. I thought you were my friend." His voice rose slightly with the last sentence, too hurt and angry to care who might overhear.

"I am Jack. I ju..."

"Then why Daniel? When were you going to tell me? When we went to our next briefing and someone else was sitting in your chair? What about Carter and Teal'c?" The anger suddenly drained and his voice softened. "Am that lousy a CO that you'd rather not work with me, or have you just decided you don't like the Air Force anymore?"

"It's not what you think Jack. It's not like that." Daniel paused.

"Then what, Daniel, what is it? Talk to me, please."

* * *

Daniel looked up, startled by Jack's words. His friend rarely if ever said please. There was an immense look of hurt on his friend's face. One he hadn't seen in a long time. It broke Daniel's heart to know he was the cause of it. /Great job Daniel, hurt him again./ He didn't know what to say, where to start. So he said nothing.

"Daniel?"

Daniel sighed, knowing he couldn't remain silent. "I'm doing this for you, Jack. It's better this way." He hung his head, trying desperately not to let the other man see the guilt written all over his face. /Just drop it, Jack./

"What?" Jack sounded genuinely puzzled, as if he had expected another response.

"It's my fault. It's always my fault."

Now Jack sounded really confused. "What?"

/Jack, for once, just let it go./ Knowing Jack the way he did, and knowing Jack wouldn't 'just let it go', Daniel continued. "I keep screwing up, and you keep paying the price." He looked up again; ready to stand by his decision.

Jack rubbed his hand through his already mused hair in classic O'Neill style as he sighed. "Daniel, SG-1 is a frontline team. We get almost all of the most dangerous missions. It's to be expected that we'll have more injuries than other teams. We all know that."

"I know that, but why is it always you who has to pay for my mistakes. I don't belong on a frontline team Jack, and we both know it."

"Look, I know you tend to be a little more... accident prone... than most military personnel but..."

Now it was Daniel's turn to interrupt. "It's more than that and you know it. I mess up, touch something you tell me not to and you wind up hurt because of it."

Jack shook his head "That's not entirely true and you know it. I've been getting myself into trouble since before you were born." He started to say more but Daniel stood up and began speaking again.

"Really? Let's think about that for a minute. In the last two months you've gotten hurt about a half a dozen times because of something I did."

Jack reached out to Daniel, touching his shoulder. "Daniel..."

"No, Jack. You wanted me to talk to you, so just listen for a minute, ok." He paused a moment. "Let's see, there's the mission to P3R-636 where you got whacked in your bad knee twice, and whacked in the arm with a staff weapon."

"Yeah," Jack interrupted, "One of these days I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe." He shrugged.

Daniel sighed, shaking his head. "The three of you were forced to work in a naquadah mine with little food, dirty water, and very little rest for over a week. When we finally got back to the SGC, I said some pretty hurtful things to Sam, attacked Doctor Frasier and tried to kill you."

"That wasn't your fault." Jack said quickly. "You were going through withdrawal from the sarcophagus. Shyla is the one who got you addicted to it. She used us to get to you."

"That's not the point. None of it would have happened if I'd just listened to you in the first place. I had to go and play hero and you suffered because of it." He took a moment to collect himself as he felt his sense of self-loathing grow. His customary cup of coffee sat on the corner of his desk and he swallowed it down in one lengthy gulp before continuing. "Next there's that nice little concussion on P92-A88 because I just had to see that temple. You had to stay in the infirmary for two days because of that."

"There was no way you could have known the locals would get so hostile about it. Hell, even I thought they were saying it was ok."

Daniel knew Jack's words weren't entirely true. "Bullshit! You knew something was off, you sensed it. I acted without thinking and you got hurt." His voice cracked as its volume rose. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down.

"Then there's the twenty three hours twenty-four minutes you spent pinned to the gate room wall by a metal spear from the alien time capsule from P5C-353. Which, as you know, infected you with an organism that almost killed you when it used you to talk to us. Not to mention the electrocutions from five staff weapon blasts!" He paused momentarily, and then continued. "All of which led to a nice, what was it, thirty-odd hour stay in the infirmary. We all know just how much you love the infirmary, Jack"

* * *

Daniel finished, the last sentence dripping with sarcasm and Jack winced unconsciously as his mind wandered briefly to that day and the subsequent infirmary stay.

His friends had led him down to the infirmary where, in his opinion, the good doctor had spent far too much time poking and prodding him. She'd then informed him he'd be staying for a while. He, of course, had protested. After all, he felt fine. She'd told him, clearly and in no uncertain terms, that he wasn't going anywhere. "You were on very high doses of antibiotics and pain killers, Sir." She'd told him. "There will most likely be side effects from their sudden withdrawal. I'm keeping you under observation for twenty four hours at least."

After a few minutes of fruitless arguing, he'd relented, but drew the line when a nurse had tried to insert an IV. He'd slept the first twelve hours straight through and had awakened disoriented, falling back asleep after a minute. He'd slept on and off for the next eighteen hours, then woke with an overwhelming desire to get out of the mountain. Finally, after six hours of constant rattling of Janet's nurses and numerous escape attempts, she had declared him 'well enough' and released him. With conditions, of course. After a two day rest at home he'd returned to the base and, upon completion of a full medical exam, been declared fit for duty.

"Daniel, that wasn't your fault and you know it. Carter and Teal'c pushed just as hard to get the orb brought back to the base. The decision was mine. The consequences were due to my actions and mine alone."

/Damn it, Danny,/ he rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration when he saw that Daniel was staring the floor again/What do I have to do to get it through your thick head that it wasn't your fault? None of it./ He sighed heavily. "Not to mention the fact that I told Teal'c to shoot it the first two times."

Not even acknowledging Jack's interruption this time, Daniel continued, "Then, of course, there's our recent mission to PH1-19C. Once again I was too busy worrying about that temple we were going to look at and you, once again, got hurt because of it."

"I lost my balance and fell off a cliff. Not your fault." /Again, not entirely true there, but telling him that won't help the situation, Jack./

"You only lost your balance because I wasn't watching where I was going and tripped. You grabbed me and threw me to the side, fell fifty feet or more down a cliff and wound up with a dislocated shoulder, a fractured arm, several badly bruised and a few broken ribs, and that lovely little inch long cut by your eye." He pointed to the cut alongside Jack's right eye. "Not to mention various bruises and scratches from head to toe. You're damn lucky you didn't wind up with a concussion again!"

Daniel was yelling now. Anyone could hear, but like Jack earlier, he didn't seem to care.

* * *

He had to make Jack see the truth.

/Why can't you see that it is my fault! What the Hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of loyalty from you?/

* * *

Jack interrupted once more, knowing he had to make his friend see reason.

"It was an accident Daniel. Shit happens. That's life. As I told you before, I've been getting myself into trouble for a long time. Actually, it seems to have pretty much followed me around since I was about seven months old. Trouble, that is." He smiled widely and he prayed Daniel would return it. Well, that's something, he thought as a small smile found its way to Daniel's face. "The bottom line is this. If I didn't think you could hack it, you wouldn't be on my team, or any regular SG team for that matter, and you know it. You would have stayed with the SGC in strictly a scientific capacity." He paused a moment, letting what he'd just said sink in, then added, "Besides, there's something you're not taking into account here."

Now it was Daniel's turn to sound confused. "What?"

"The number of times you've saved my life, not to mention Carter's and Teal'c's, and the lives of innocent people. What Shyla did to you, to us, was wrong, but you weren't wrong for trying to save her. Yes, I was annoyed at first when you saved that woman, and became even more annoyed when we got caught trying to escape. I got frustrated and, yes even angry, with you while you were with Shyla and the rest of us were in the mine. But there was no way you could have known what would happen. Your capacity for kindness and compassion never ceases to amaze me.

While I sometimes think it makes you a little naïve, I wouldn't change it for anything. Shyla's people are free now, for the first time in over a thousand years, because of you. Not me, not SG -1 or the SGC, but because of you. Most people wouldn't have dreamed of asking to go back there after what you went through, but you did. I may tease you about your rocks and temples, or cut you off, rudely at times, but I do value your opinion and your experience. The fact is, Daniel you are a valuable member of my team."

* * *

Daniel stared at Jack in bewilderment. He'd never realized Jack thought so highly of him or his skills.

Jack continued, giving a wicked grin. "Besides, I'd hate to have to break in another archeologist."

Daniel couldn't help but smile at that. The thought of Jack dealing with an archeologist other than himself spawned numerous possibilities in his mind, all hilarious.

* * *

Daniel finally seemed to be taking notice of Jack's words, and the colonel felt his own tension ease a little as he went on. "I can help you if you feel you need more training, but I will not sit here and listen to you berate yourself like this."

After hearing everything Daniel had said, Jack realized just how hard SG-1 had been pushed recently. In that last three months, Jack himself had only spent about five or six days off base. If they weren't off world, he was either in the infirmary healing, or in his office writing reports and preparing for their next mission. /I think I need to have a little talk with the general about getting SG-1 some downtime, even if it's just for a few days./

He knew Carter and Daniel had rarely left either, each having projects on base that needed to be completed. Even Teal'c, stoic as he was, was starting to show signs of cabin fever. A few days with no worries about the fate of the planet, ancient artifacts, or intergalactic diplomacy would definitely be a good thing. Maybe he'd take Teal'c to a game. He'd definitely make sure Carter and Daniel left the base. No work for three days at least. Yup, he could definitely go for that. All work and no play made Jack a cranky boy.

* * *

Daniel waited for Jack to stop talking, then gave a quick nod. "OK." He hesitated a moment thinking about something Jack had just said. "Why seven months, Jack?" At the dumfounded look on his friend's face, he clarified. "You said trouble seems to have pretty much followed you around since you were about seven months old."

"Ah. Yeah, that's when I started to pull myself up on the furniture. Started walking shortly thereafter." Jack chuckled at Daniel stared at him in shock. "Nothing was safe from me after that."

"That's amazing. Most babies don't even start crawling until they're about that age."

"Yeah, well, I always was an impatient guy." Jack's stomach growled, causing Daniel to laugh. "That's better." Jack said at the sound. "Come on, let's find Sam and Teal'c and get some lunch. I haven't had a decent meal in a week."

"And you think we'll actually get one in the commissary?" Daniel asked with a look of mock disgust.

Jack gave a mischievous grin. "Anything's better than hospital food. Besides, who said anything about eating on base?"

"But Janet will have a fit if she finds out y..."

"What the Doc doesn't know won't kill her. Besides, I won't tell if you don't."

They both laughed as they left Daniel's lab to find their friends.

Jack relaxed as his friend laughed. Their talk had been uncomfortable at times, but necessary – Daniel needed to realize his worth to Jack, and the team as a whole.

The End


End file.
